“Male" BAG

A few choice quotes from our bag


"Shimo and I used to spend thousands in the champagne room at VIPs.  Now he texts me about mulch."

Malcom  - Aug 2018

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Egan:  Hey Jordan…What would you say if one of your guy friends took a picture like this?

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"That he freekin queer"

Jordan Egan  - Feb 2018


Can we have a Walrus-off between Yux and Dew?

Stix -  March 2017.


"Slots college highlight reel - 5 minute jerk off session on Bisaillon's bed with marinara sauce as lube. Finished to a topless pic of Zunkel”  

Malcom responding slots weak take on the TITANS video.  Feb 2017.


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"Is Dan (Rudman) part of the Kozlowski faction at the Highlands, or the Hilding faction? Just trying to prepare accordingly so I know whether he is a quiet wine drinker or likes to wrestle other dudes in his underwear.”

MVT Burrows in an email inquiring about a new attendee coming from Highlands CC.  Jan 2017.

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"The guy has 250 putters and hangs out with Hildings.  I'm sure he's put in his time."

Malcom responding to a question about wether Rudman has what it takes to be a Douche Bag.  Jan 2017.

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"Any chance you were a TKE in college?  Really the quickest way to an award on this trip." 

Koz chiming in on RudmanFEST.  Jan 2017

"Actually, Koz, I think the quickest way is to drive a cart across the center of the green directly in front of the clubhouse and numerous course employees."

Smitty’s response to Koz.  Jan 2017


I'm out.  I don't really like those guys.  Sorry Egan.  Guilty by association.

BTW, do any of you jokers have jobs?  Enjoy the Swedish work week.

Lastly, funny how Chip made it sound like there would be great demand for this ("Remember, first come/first served").  That's funny shit.

B Moore HOF email crushing the spirit of GUTS/Choke Outing hosts. June 2016.

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"9-10 years ago I was the maniac on this trip. Now I golf and go to bed"

Burrows on Nardi in Uber coming home from bar at 8:30pm, March 2016

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Tell the JV team that your wife wasn't born yesterday.  I opened the envelope from them with the glitter bomb inside over the trash can.  Better luck next time Bitches.

Kate Caliento, text to Kenny during 2016 WCS


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"Do you know what’s it’s like to be single and look like me"

Corndog quoting SNAPS on the 2016 WCS






Click here for the string of text messages that were sent during UFC after the fellas figured out that texts Egan recieved showed up on the screen.



"I think you should lose a stroke if you do goddamn stretches."

Guts in reference to Smitty doing some gay hip flexor stretch Doug showed him between every hole, March 2016. During Match Stearns lost to Smitty & Egan.



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Nards: "I set the chin up record in HS...36."

Burrows: "Fuck. I haven't done 36 chin ups in my life."

Convo on the 2016 WCS




Nardi: "Grady you order the Uber you have more money"

Grady: "I'm aware.

Leaving the WigWam, 2016 WCS. March, 2016



”Sometimes I watch the LPGA tour and just jerk off" 

Kenny on the 2016 WCS. March, 2016. Just being a creep as Egan told him to stop fantasizing about HS golf team they encountered. 


“Your group of friends crushed a ton of pussy.  Our group, not so much. We're more titty club guys."

Guts, to Tall on the 2016 WCS. March, 2016

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“Jessica (cart girl) Who has the best hair?”

“Who has the best teeth? (Said with creepy grin showing off his new fake teeth) 

Guts declares himself the winner (vs. Smith, Stearns, and Egan) even though Jessica never said a word. 



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"What am I going to do with a bunch of 3x suits other than give them to corndog

Bisaillon on the likelihood of Malcoms estate (which is assigned to Casey) containing anything of value other than suits & shoes in the event Twalk kills Malcom.  March 2016. WigWam Hijinks.




"That's the total number of women those three have slept with in their entire life"  

Malcom after seeing FREEGANELLY  #7 T-shirts

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“Just so you know, I'm a reasonably desirable dude”

Stearns, March 2016, at the WigWam


"I believe the initial uni email stated that we wear "trousers ."  I realize we're the old guys, but WTF?!?  Should we wear Depends, too?"

Casey in group text to Captain Shimo about uniforms (2-26-16)


It was fish sticks you asshole and I'm playing it in your room next weekend."

2-24-16 email response to Egan from Nutty in reference to his “cheese stick” incident 


"I see smitty named our text string. No idea how to do that. I'm defying yet another Asian stereotype"

2-15-16 text from Captain Shimo (aka Kooey, Shims, Smimpa, Gramps, Shimakooey, Dave) 

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"If I smelled Yux's finger right now, I'd die

Malcom’s response after staying out until 6am in Vegas and being asked how his W3 bucket list was progressing

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"Vegas odds to no show are on the guy with the 30 inch inseam and 40 inch waist and name rhymes with schnugent."

Fast $ Steve responding to Egan email about booking flights (Dec. 2015)

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“The Varsity definitely leads the league in slacks…"

Stix observing what fancy dressers the OGs are at 10Pin bowing/pairings announcement (Dec. 2015)

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"Done.  I always wanted to drive what Nelly drives…"

Boy's immediate response to Rotary Mike’s Corvette raffle contest (Nov. 2015)

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Retirement suits you well, Bisaillon.  Improved wit & comedic timing.

Casey’s validation of Bisaillon’s improved sense of humor. (Nov. 2015)




“Bad golfers have bad swings.  Looks like i just hit a double to the wall.

- Grady in response to the chatter about his “unorthadox" golf swing (Aug. 2015)

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"He's a 40 year old man that owns and packs pajama pants"

- Malcom in an off-the-cuff description of Stearns (Aug. 2015)

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"Reason number 5,000 to take a knife to my nut sack."

- Malcom responding to Burrows email about how expensive his family vacation at Disney is





"A guff list when payment due date is still 10 days away??? Are you 75 years old? You remind me of my grandma, who would say "pick me up for church at 8:45" and then call me at 8:15 asking why I wasn't there yet!  Lighten up Francis!!"     -  M.V.T. 2015

- Burrows to Nards on his premature guffing 7-21-15

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"Say interest rate hike one more time mother fucker and I'll salmon smack you into next week"

- Steve to Rick Santelli on CNBC 5-1-15

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"Chip accomplishes more in the first month of his new job than Koz did in over 10 years.  

Young Guys 2015." 

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- Guts commenting on Chip’s "Deutsche Bank North America Living the Values Award"

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"I'm now with about 900 pounds of chainsaw-loud snorers.  Nice.  It's pretty bad when you're hoping to share a room with Nelly as the lesser of 3 evils"

- Smitty on his optimism for his 2015 roommates  Dug, Seth, and Nelly



"I'd rather stay at the YMCA than have to share that bathroom. Even if it meant taking one in the ass”    

- Malcom’s take on OG condo “Plumbing Challenger” of Nelly, Dug, Seth, and Smitty (Feb 2015)


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Endless salad and breadsticks!  Yay!!
Oops, wrong OG distribution list. 

- Casey in a Feb 2015 email to his teammates


"If you get paired with Nellie once it's a Half-Nelson.  If you get paired with him twice it's a Full-Nelson.” - Malcom at OTPH Pairings Event for 2015 WCS

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"He has moved beyond inconsequential high school rivalries now in his mature age. He is now focusing all of his efforts on not leaving the WCS early."

- Nelly’s take on why JJ did not gloat about a St Rita win over Mt Carmel (9-25-14)

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"It seems that the electronic box accepted the numbers from my plastic card.  This whole "inter-net" thing is very new-age and confusing." 

- Casey’s take on Big Mikes fancy Payments portal (9-24-14)


I suffered from a "chip out of my shoulder" disease last swing.  The other disease to consider is "Chip Disease" which is described as a condition with symptoms being the presence of an evil alter ego after the consumption of mass quantities of alcohol.  While commonly referred to as "Chip Disease" there are roughly 38 unique strains to this condition with various names including but not limited to "Shims Disease", "Smoothie Disease", "Eiche Disease", "Snaps Disease", "FBI Disease", etc. etc.

Kenny (9-24-14)

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Shims-disease is kind of like masturbation and 3 putts. You're never proud when it happens but you know you will do it again.

- Shims (9-24-14)


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The "Chip" strain runs in the herpes family so be careful...It is a hell of a lot of fun to contract it but once it's in you, there is no cure.  You can try and mask it's symptoms but it can pop up unexpectedly at any time and without warning.  

Chip (9-24-14)


There is no "evil" associated with the Snaps strain.  Just immatureness.  Be happy if you get it.  It's awesome.

SNAPS (9-24-14)


2011 - WCS - 0085 - Version 2

Woke up in Vegas, super hung over. I made the mistake of smelling the stench of my own hands. This caused me to start dry heaving uncontrollably…which caused me to throw my back out.  Could not even get out of bed.  How fucking old am I?

- G$ explaining his recent back injury while opting out of golf at the 2013 Egan Fest   (Oct. 11,  2013)


I tweeted a picture of my balls to Shimo last week so he graciously invited me to Omaha for golf this weekend.  Sorry I can't make it.

- Guts   (Oct. 7,  2013)


Climaxing quickly, prematurely.   That's easy for Stearns...

- Stearns   (March 2013)


Concert-going.  The Fremd way.

- Casey in response to Caliento's over the top Lollapollaza plans.   (March 2013)

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"If you need any advice to not follow your dick, look at me

 - Jacobs to Malcom at Komar's wedding  (Dec 2012)

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Text conversation: 

Egan: "I've only gotten 4 picks...Are you guys circle jerking around Ollie?" 

Malcom: "I'm titty fucking Lutz"  

- Nov. 2012 at the draft


Just heard DLIII say to Tiger "if you lose, you fuck me". On course analysis from Malcom at the Ryder Cup  

- Malcom (Sept. 2012) - reporting live from Medinah


"Ryder Cup is just like the WCS with less gay sex"

- Malcom (Sept. 2012) - reporting live from Medinah

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"The night that Scott Disick (from the kardashians) got knighted was the best hour of my life." 

- Malcom (August 2012)


Guilty as charged.  In my defense, I was playing in the group behind hurricane Hilding.  After witnessing the Ugandan bush sliding across the fairway, we evacuated to the nearest place possible.

2013 Captain B. Moore (Aug. 5, 2012) - on his reason for driving his golf cart home at the 2010 WCS.


"If anyone lost the attached club let me know.  If you are former member of Team MC and it's your club, I will throw in the garbage as you may want to give tennis a try.  If you are a former and current member of Team Nerds I will mail to you along with a warm, congratulatory note."

Guts Kiper Jr.  (May 2nd, 2012)

(Drafted Worlds #32 ranked player with 1st pick)

“If you lose tomorrow, you fuck me"   

Captain GUTS, at the Friday night Team meeting - April 2012 (using the power of positive reinforcement to get the most from his team)

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"Thanks for the update kim jong un, we've got 23 days to give it some thought.   I hope you catch SARS on April 18th.  I hope whoever invited you on the WCS catches gonorrhea and I hope whoever keeps stealing your iphone and sending these stupid e-mails from your account keeps doing exactly what they're doing."

- GUTS, March 2012 (in response to the WCS World #1 Narcissist)


“All I'm packing is my 7 iron, a putter, four sport coats, and a box of condoms. The condoms are for making balloon animals.”         

- Malcom, Feb 2012


“The 7 iron isn't even for golf. It's to chop up the hookers”      

- Malcom, Feb 2012 (in a follow up to the above quote)


“Do you know what the worst part about fucking an 8 year old is...?...Getting the blood out of your clown suit”                 

- Malcom, Oct 2011 in Las Vegas

(Malcom’s recap:  Doug and I were at a table in Vegas.  We were going around the table and each were telling a joke.  That was my joke that I told in front of a table of strangers, a dealer, a pit boss, and a waitress.  I'm the American Dream.)


“That's ironic. I just landed my first squirter”       

- Shimo, Oct 2011 

(in response to Smoothies claim to have “just gotten my highest single word score on scrabble ever.  104 pts, triple word score.  Squirter”)  


“Yo coach wilczewski relax on the dumb emails. Leave that to rest of the terds you drafted. Those caramel jokes are older and dumber than shimo. Nardi just texted me that he beat up some Rita guy tonight at the Carmel game, malcom stole his wallet and lutz took the poor guys boyfriend home.”             

- Guts, August 2011


“I just don’t believe in strippers anymore.”     

- Nelly, May 2011 

(Speaking to G$ as he waited for his phone to ring at 4am)


“Class of 94? Are we inviting people's dads now? Is Hornberger available?”

- Malcom, August 2011 

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“Smoothie is the only guy I know who can find 2 different shades of black that don’t match”           

 - Shimo, May 2011 

(In disgust of Smoothies ridiculous all black outfit)


“If pussy looked like Smoothie, I'd go gay.”      

- Malcom, March 2011 

(In response to Smoothie calling himself a giant, sloppy, flaming pussy.)


"I like hookers and dice"            

- Malcom, February 2011 

(In response to being asked why he’s going back to Vegas by himself for a week after having just returned)


"Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly through school zones."        

- Koz, February 2011


“Go fuck yourself San Diego”         

Chip, 2010  (In response to just about anything)


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“Kind of like saying jerking off will help you last longer in the sack.  While a JO session is fun, it's nothing more than a false sense of accomplishment.”  

- 2010, Coach Malcom motivating his teammates to “practice” as if they were competing in a real match


“We’re going to wear our hats"    

- Smux, 2010

(referring to clinching the 2010 WCS on Saturday)


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